All's Grace

Many of you know this part of my story. I wrote that almost a year ago. I was overwhelmed by the responses I received – support, encouragement, stories of how God used my words to help others. I thought I was settled, I’d found God’s peace, and nothing could change that.

Less than two weeks later, I found out I was pregnant. And five days after that, I lost my baby.

My heart shattered. I grieved hard, and I waited. I longed for the peace I’d felt before. I struggled through my days, waiting for things to get better. I trusted that if God worked that miracle once, he could work it again. At the beginning of the summer, my cat died. At the end of the summer, my husband and I lost our jobs. And I didn’t get pregnant.

God provided for us. We started new jobs, got a new cat, adjusting slowly to the changes. I started writing some. I cried a lot. I tried hard to enjoy my life and my Savior.

In November, I had some good talks with a close friend, and I stumbled on Ann Voskamp’s blog. (I'm still reading her book, One Thousand Gifts). I started counting God's gifts to me. (so many!) The Lord used the words of Psalm 27 to plant new hope in my heart:

Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness
      while I am here in the land of the living.

I started to understand that everything was good, everything was grace. Not just the beautiful things. Not even especially the beautiful things. I’m starting to see the vital necessity of giving thanks not only in baffling, ugly, agonizing circumstances, but for them. I’m thankful for this year. I’m thankful for the bringing low. I’m thankful for the pain that brings me again and again to the feet of the Savior. I’m thankful for my precious baby's soul in heaven. I’m thankful for God’s intense compassion (Ps 56:8)

Through all this time, God has been gradually healing my heart in his daily deluge of grace, renewing my confidence in his perfect love, his awesome sovereignty, my safety in the palm of his hand. I have no tidy ending to this story – it continues to unfold each day. But I can say with absolute confidence that God is always good. I am learning again – and I’m sure not for the last time – to savor the grace with which he fills every moment.

Why I Haven't Written Lately

I’ve said a lot of things when people have asked. I'm not ready right now... I'm just taking some time... But honestly, the real reason is just that I’m afraid.

1. I’m afraid that my writing a blog is selfish, and that you will see more of me than Christ, and that the 'me' you will see is ugly. I'm afraid I'll waste your time. (That’s kind of the big one.)
2. I’m afraid that my life is not eventful enough, and that I don’t have enough vision, plan, or motivation to be at all consistent. Or interesting. Or helpful. (This is also pretty huge.)
3. I’m afraid that I want to do this for all the wrong reasons.
4. I’m afraid that I might not really want to do this at all.
5. I’m afraid of being vulnerable, and afraid that the line between vulnerability and selfish exhibition is too blurry.

I think that’s all. Oh, and one more: I’m afraid that all of the things I’ve listed as problems are true about this post as well.

But God is doing big things in my life, filling it with his gifts. And I want to share them, to be vulnerable, and to feel myself more a part of the sweet community of God’s family. So I’m going to be brave, admit I don’t have all the answers, and post this (and hopefully more) anyway.

Have you every asked yourself these questions? How do you deal with these kinds of fears?

Introducing: Nolan

We found Nolan in the middle of a 6-lane road. He was a tiny kitten, terrified, dashing between the cars, and it took a Hummer to stop the traffic and several people to corner him against a car and catch him. His paws were burned from the hot asphalt, and when Daniel took him and handed him to me, he collapsed in my hands, panting. So we took him home.

We didn't intend to keep him, but we lost our hearts pretty quickly.

Now he's all grown up. He's curious and bold and intelligent - and he trusts us absolutely.

And he's the most beautiful cat I've ever seen.

Fingerless Gloves

I knit my first pair of fingerless gloves last month, and now fingerless gloves are one of my favorite projects! They just fly off the needles. Here are some of my most recent creations:

These three are all from the same pattern, in custom colors for a dear friend. I have these gloves for sale in my Etsy shop. (Free shipping for my blog readers :)

These gloves are knit with super-soft cotton yarn. I love the color!

When I was visiting my family last month, my mom bought me my first skein of self-striping yarn. This was therapy knitting at its best - just knit two, purl two, round and round for inches and inches! Lol!

I have several more projects on the needles - it will be Christmas time soon! Do you work on Christmas gifts early or wait until the last minute?

Peace

You have done many good things for me, Lord, just as you promised. I believe in your commands; now teach me good judgment and knowledge. I used to wander off until you disciplined me; but now I closely follow your word. You are good and do only good; teach me your decrees.
Psalm 119:65-68

God has been teaching me a lot this week about trusting him to keep his promises for me. It's been a week full of adjusting to changes: Daniel has a new work schedule, I had a lot of extra work this week, and we're now sharing our home with an awesome new roommate, Mally, who's here from Canada for a few months. Change has always been difficult for me, but it's a great reminder of God's never-changing love. He's given me renewed peace and joy in my circumstances, and I'm so thankful. Praise him for his permanent, powerful love!

Introducing: Daniel

This is my husband.

 

God brought us together in our junior year in college (I'll tell you that story some other time), and we just celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary in August.

It's really hard to sum up your best friend in a few words! He's the most gentle person I've ever known. We've been through some difficult circumstances together, but I've never once seen him angry.

He makes me feel whole and complete, not by understanding me perfectly, but by helping me understand how to live for God instead of myself.

 He can make me laugh faster than anyone else can, and he actually thinks I'm hilarious too. (The first time he laughed at something I said, on our second date, I was so shocked! It was an accidental pun, and I wasn't used to people thinking I was funny. Now I love making him laugh.) He's logical and organized and generous. And he loves to tweak things (like his chocolate milk recipe) until they're perfect.

He's my other half.

Odds and Ends

 I recently finished these cabled fingerless gloves for my step-grandmother's birthday. (I love her). The yarn is made of red, yellow, green, and black fibers; I think it's amazing how lovely and complex the color is from a distance.

Speaking of colors, I collected some of the yarn options for my Etsy items and tried to take a picture to show the colors. Some of them look fairly accurate (yellow, orange, red), and others are way off (blues and green)... any advice from all you wonderful photographers?

 

I normally wouldn't want a moth this close to my yarn (hehe), but this one is so lovely. And yes, I have been playing with the macro focus option on my camera!

And finally, this is Anjali and me, enjoying yesterday.