Tuesday, March 1, 2011

All's Grace

Many of you know this part of my story. I wrote that almost a year ago. I was overwhelmed by the responses I received – support, encouragement, stories of how God used my words to help others. I thought I was settled, I’d found God’s peace, and nothing could change that.

Less than two weeks later, I found out I was pregnant. And five days after that, I lost my baby.

My heart shattered. I grieved hard, and I waited. I longed for the peace I’d felt before. I struggled through my days, waiting for things to get better. I trusted that if God worked that miracle once, he could work it again. At the beginning of the summer, my cat died. At the end of the summer, my husband and I lost our jobs. And I didn’t get pregnant.

God provided for us. We started new jobs, got a new cat, adjusting slowly to the changes. I started writing some. I cried a lot. I tried hard to enjoy my life and my Savior.

In November, I had some good talks with a close friend, and I stumbled on Ann Voskamp’s blog. (I'm still reading her book, One Thousand Gifts). I started counting God's gifts to me. (so many!) The Lord used the words of Psalm 27 to plant new hope in my heart:

Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness
      while I am here in the land of the living.

I started to understand that everything was good, everything was grace. Not just the beautiful things. Not even especially the beautiful things. I’m starting to see the vital necessity of giving thanks not only in baffling, ugly, agonizing circumstances, but for them. I’m thankful for this year. I’m thankful for the bringing low. I’m thankful for the pain that brings me again and again to the feet of the Savior. I’m thankful for my precious baby's soul in heaven. I’m thankful for God’s intense compassion (Ps 56:8)

Through all this time, God has been gradually healing my heart in his daily deluge of grace, renewing my confidence in his perfect love, his awesome sovereignty, my safety in the palm of his hand. I have no tidy ending to this story – it continues to unfold each day. But I can say with absolute confidence that God is always good. I am learning again – and I’m sure not for the last time – to savor the grace with which he fills every moment.