Tuesday, March 1, 2011

All's Grace

Many of you know this part of my story. I wrote that almost a year ago. I was overwhelmed by the responses I received – support, encouragement, stories of how God used my words to help others. I thought I was settled, I’d found God’s peace, and nothing could change that.

Less than two weeks later, I found out I was pregnant. And five days after that, I lost my baby.

My heart shattered. I grieved hard, and I waited. I longed for the peace I’d felt before. I struggled through my days, waiting for things to get better. I trusted that if God worked that miracle once, he could work it again. At the beginning of the summer, my cat died. At the end of the summer, my husband and I lost our jobs. And I didn’t get pregnant.

God provided for us. We started new jobs, got a new cat, adjusting slowly to the changes. I started writing some. I cried a lot. I tried hard to enjoy my life and my Savior.

In November, I had some good talks with a close friend, and I stumbled on Ann Voskamp’s blog. (I'm still reading her book, One Thousand Gifts). I started counting God's gifts to me. (so many!) The Lord used the words of Psalm 27 to plant new hope in my heart:

Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness
      while I am here in the land of the living.

I started to understand that everything was good, everything was grace. Not just the beautiful things. Not even especially the beautiful things. I’m starting to see the vital necessity of giving thanks not only in baffling, ugly, agonizing circumstances, but for them. I’m thankful for this year. I’m thankful for the bringing low. I’m thankful for the pain that brings me again and again to the feet of the Savior. I’m thankful for my precious baby's soul in heaven. I’m thankful for God’s intense compassion (Ps 56:8)

Through all this time, God has been gradually healing my heart in his daily deluge of grace, renewing my confidence in his perfect love, his awesome sovereignty, my safety in the palm of his hand. I have no tidy ending to this story – it continues to unfold each day. But I can say with absolute confidence that God is always good. I am learning again – and I’m sure not for the last time – to savor the grace with which he fills every moment.


  1. Thank you so much for this post and the one on the other blog! I don't struggle with infertility, but I do struggle with rejoicing in God's plan for me. I do struggle with trusting that He is doing what is best in my life. My family and I have been through a very hard month and this is something I'm still trying to learn. I think it's wonderful that you shared this right now. Right when I needed it most. Thank you!

  2. Love you Emily! You are an example to so many. You are a graceful, strong woman. God has given us things we didn't expect, but we can still savor Him because He promises to heal and comfort. Cara

  3. Thank you for being open and honest. God bless you! What a wonderful Lord we serve. He makes all things good.

  4. hey emily! I've been checking into your blog every now and then and i just wanted to say how much i appreciate your testimony of how you are learning what it means to really rely on God! i'm sure you have had such hard days, but He is making you stronger through all of this! i just hope that i can remember to rely on God just as you have done. it's so important to see that God is good in the happy, sad, ugly, and beautiful things! thanks so much for this post! i'll be praying that God continues to do His perfect will and shower you and dan in His amazing love.

  5. Love you Emily! So glad to call you family.

  6. Thank you Emi. Your writing always serves to glorify Christ, and encourage me. I love you girl!